And the Oscar goes to…your mom.

**Before you read this, if you decide to read this, let me just say that I know what I did. I know it may appear that I have no life or that I need to "find a new hobby" or "this is lame." There's no need to remind me. I don't take this seriously. I haven't watched the Oscars in years. But I was going to watch the Oscars anyways, so I decided to Liveblog it. No need to post rude comments, ok? Thnx. Now read if you want. Remember, YOU DON'T HAVE TO READ IT. No one is forcing you. It's your choice.**

I'm making my first ever attempt at liveblogging tonight. And I'm taking on the Oscars. Let's see how this goes…

Red Carpet coverage with Roger Ebert and some other guy:

6:32
Dolly Parton's boobs are huge. I like her. She's so colorful.

6:34
I didn’t know George Clooney was the voice of Sparky the Dog on “South Park”! Huh…you learn something new everyday.

6:36
George Clooney: “I think Ang Lee is a communist.” Oh George…

6:39
Keira Knightly looks really pretty. I want her dress. And I have a feeling that this fashion expert guy is going to get on my nerves.

6:42
Keira Knightly is the 3rd youngest Best Actress nominee ever? Hmmm…I really liked "Pride and Prejudice". It made me sigh multiple times. Oooh I don’t like the bow on her ponytail. She should lose the bow.

6:49
Hahahahahahahahaha!!! Roger Ebert and that other guy fucked up! Ha. They mistook the producer of "Good Night and Good Luck" for the producer of "Crash". Ha. Idiots.

6:53
They’re making a sequel to "Bruce Almighty"? What? "Evan Almighty"? Is that what they said? Huh? I mean I like Steve Carell, but what? Why?

6:55
Oh shit…it’s Will Smith. TOOL!!!! No, Will Ferrell! Get away from Will Smith!! Now!

Oscar Coverage with the Entertainment Tonight people:

7:02
“Hi I’m Billy Bush! I talk in a monotone voice and I talk really loud! Loud noises! Loud noises! AHHHHHHHH!!!” I wanna punch him in the face.

7:04
Oh my god I love Amy Adams!!! She’s so cute. Oh I want her to be my best friend. And I like her gown. And it has pockets!! Cooooool. I liked her in "Junebug." I hope she wins.

7:11
Billy Bush to Naomi Watts: “Is that vintage? I just learned that word.” Stupid.

7:14
Heath Ledger & Michelle Williams! I don’t like her dress. Too yellow. Heath…what a charmer. Love you. They live in Brooklyn. I want to find them.
I wish Michelle and Amy could both win. But I want Michelle to win for 2 reasons: 1) I thought she was good and 2) I think it would be amazing if someone from “Dawson’s Creek” won an Oscar. I think that would be hilarious and god knows I don’t want it to be either/never will be Katie Holmes or James Van Der Beek. I’d settle for Joshua Jackson. But I like Michelle Williams. And she was so cute in “The Baxter.” Not that that has anything to do with the Oscars or “Brokeback Mountain.” I’m just commenting. :)

7:17
Ok what’s with the monkey sequence? I’ve obviously missed the purpose of this.

7:18
Oh I get it. Monkeys. “King Kong.”

7:21
The “March of the Penguins” people brought stuffed penguins. Awe. Que cute. And I don’t mean like dead stuffed penguins by the way. I mean like dolls. Obvs.

7:24
Yeah so I want Heath Ledger to win. But it’s gonna be Phillip Seymour Hoffman cause he’s won all the other awards. But I didn’t see “Capote” so of course I favor Heath.

7:33
Terrence Howard seems to have brought his son. I wonder if his son knows what a pimp is.

7:34
Ooh I like Jennifer Aniston’s dress.

7:35
Ryan and Reese!!!! I love Reese Witherspoon. Awe I missed her dress.

7:38
Ok so they’re showing a montage of all the movies that are nominated and they’re playing “The Dance” by Garth Brooks. Wtf? Of all the songs in the world they play a song that was ever present at my Semi-Formals and Proms.

7:44
Hey look it’s Ian Bock!!! Ahem…I mean Philip Seymour Hoffman.

7:46
I think I need to go see “Good Night and Good Luck.”

7:47
Jake Gyllenhaal doesn’t look excited at all. He so doesn’t think he’s going to win.

7:49
Movie critics just said that everyone’s been talking about “Crash” for the past few weeks and that it has a big chance of winning. Uhhhh yeah, if “Crash” wins Best Picture I think I may throw a fit.

7:55
I don’t like Rachel Weisz. I have no reasons behind this opinion. Probably just because she’s won all the other awards and I’ve wanted other people to win, not her. Blah.

7:56
Jamie Foxx. Ew. Don’t like him.

7:57
I love how Jessica Alba is at every award show and yet she sucks and makes horrible movies that are never nominated for anything. Why is she everywhere? I remember reading that she said that she doesn’t want to play eye candy and roles where she's always half naked blah blah blah and yet what is she doing with her life? Stupid girl.

Academy Awards:

8:02
Alright kids. Here we go!

8:06
Haha. Jon Stewart and George Clooney in bed together.
Jon Stewart: Is this a dream?
George Clooney: No
*Jon Stewart does a little celebratory dance*

8:07
Ok so I’m pretty optimistic that this isn’t going to suck. Jon Stewart, marry me.

8:09
“A Return to Glamour” is the theme apparently. Ok. Sure. Glamour rules.

8:10
My god, Philip Seymour Hoffman, unfold your arms. Enjoy yourself! You’re gonna fucking win.
And I think Jack Nicholson is sitting next to Keira Knightly. ????? How? Why? Weird.

8:12
Jon Stewart: Bjork couldn’t be here tonight. She was trying on her Oscar dress and Dick Cheney shot her.

8:14
Oooooh “Walk The Line” is NOT “Ray.” Grrrrr. “Walk The Line” was better than “Ray.” Grrrrr.

8:16
Ok so they’re taking clips from Westerns and making them appear to be gay.

8:20
Was Jake Gyllenhaal nominated for Best Supporting Actor at the other award shows this year? I can’t remember but I think the answer is no.

8:21
Best Supporting Actor – George Clooney for “Syriana.” Hmmmmm. Why are they playing music DURING the acceptance speech? That’s really annoying.

8:24
I’m realizing now that I’m not going to get any homework done tonight. I have a test tomorrow and I have to read some articles. Oh shit and I have to find an article about how trademarks affect the music industry. I think I have one actually. I didn’t read it though. I found it on Friday when I was also doing research on Depeche Mode. I have to write a press release for their new single for my Marketing and Merch class. Blah.

8:26
Tom Hanks demonstrating how to keep speeches down to a minimum…being attacked by the musicians…ok.

8:28
Oh god Ben Stiller’s in a green unitard. Demonstrating green screen technology. But the way he said “This is blowing Spielberg’s mind” was funny.

8:30
“This is the Chronic, whut!?, cles of Narnia!” I’m sorry. It’s a nominee. I couldn’t resist.
Best Visual Effects – “King Kong.” It would’ve been awesome if “The Chronicles of Narnia” won, they played “Lazy Sunday.”

8:33
Ok so question: Now “Beauty in the Beast” was nominated for Best Picture in 1992. And the Best Animated Feature Film category wasn’t introduced until 2001. So, now, if an animated film comes along that’s of Best Picture caliber, will it be able to be in the Best Picture category or will it HAVE to be in the Best Animated Feature Film category? Makes me wonder. Do you think “Beauty and the Beast” would’ve been nominated for Best Picture if there was a Best Animated Feature Film category at that time? Hmmmm…

8:35
Best Animated Feature Film - “Wallace and Gromit and the Curse of the Were-Rabbit.” Awe cute, they’re wearing giant bow-ties.

8:38
Dolly Parton’s so like…I can’t describe her. I enjoy her. But I think I said that earlier when I said how her boobs were huge. I wish she was performing with a live band behind her though. Although she pulled it off band-less.

8:40
They just showed Amy Adams and if that’s her boyfriend sitting next to her I have to say “you go girl!” He’s a hottie.

8:45
Ahhhh I hate Owen Wilson’s nose!!!!! And I hate how he puckers his lips when he talks!!!!
Best Live Action Short Film – “Six Shooter.”

8:46
Has anyone thanked God yet? Is that normally done at the Oscars? I don’t know. I wanted to keep track.

8:47
Hahaha “ducks never get pant!” That is so true.
Best Animated Short Film – “The Moon and the Son: An Imagined Conversation.”
Hey, the guy’s a teacher at NYU? Cool.

8:51
Best Costume Design – “Memoirs of a Geisha.”

8:54
Alright so we’ve got a montage of movies that are based on real people…
“This bumper, was pulled off, by the bus of Selenas!!!”

8:59
Will Ferrell and Steve Carell…wearing make-up…oh boy.
Will: You smell really great. What are you wearing?
Steve: It’s called Pineapple Bliss.

9:01
Best Make-up – “The Chronic, whut!?, cles of Narnia.”
2, 4, 6, how ‘bout 12! Baker’s dozen!
I love those cupcakes like McAdams loves Gosling.
Ha. Yay.

9:03
Oh my god I love Jon Stewart.
Rachel McAdams!!!!! But her dress is not good…sadness.

9:08
Best Supporting Actress – Rachel Weisz for “The Constant Gardener.”
Nooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!! Boooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!! Jack Nasty!
Go have your baby.

9:16
They’re doing a tribute to Film Noir now.
Urbandictionary.com defines Film Noir as: “a genre of movies characterized by low-key lighting, a bleak urban setting, and corrupt, cynical characters.”

9:17
Jon Stewart: I’m a loser.
Yes, but an awesome loser.

9:18
Oh oh oh I hear Stephen Colbert’s voice!!!
So they’re doing “campaign” ads for the Best Actress nominees, narrated by Stephen Colbert. Awesome.

9:21
Best Documentary Short Subject – “A Note Of Triumph: The Golden Age of Norman Corwin”

9:24
Best Documentary Feature – “March of the Penguins.” Yay! Penguins!
Ah zay are French. I zid not knuw zis. Juoisedjensgsjoaoijdjvnejjeioaf. Bonjour.

9:28
So the Best Song nominee from “Crash” is being performed and it’s really boring. And they’ve got a burning car on stage and people in slow motion. Probably cause the song is so boring. Dolly Parton didn’t need other people on stage cause she’s not boring.
I’m anticipating that pimp song being performed.

9:35
I’m getting tired. But no. I will do this. I will finish.

9:36
Hey, it’s Keanu Reeves. “Whoa.”
Best Set Direction – “Memoirs of a Geisha.”

9:38
Samuel L. Jackson!!!! We’ve got muthafuckin’ snakes!!!!!
What’s with all the montages? They keep doing these montages. Do they always do this many montages? I wasn’t paying attention, I don’t know what these are based on. Unity? I think it’s unity. Or bravery. Or inspiration? Why can’t they just stick to one montage: the one of all the people who died in the past year. They do it every year. Just stick with it. Who needs change?

9:42
Oh it was a montage about movies dealing with “issues.”

9:46
It’s Salma Hayek and her boobs. I like her dress.

9:51
Best Original Score – “Brokeback Mountain.”

9:59
Another tribute montage!?!?! Films that have larger than life stories. Ok sure. I see Moulin Rouge, Grease, West Side Story, The Sound of Music, 7 Brides for 7 Brothers, Braveheart, Mary Poppins, Titanic, Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, Jurassic Park, Harry Potter, Back to the Future, The Fifth Element, The Matrix, Jaws, King Kong, E.T., and a lot of others.

10:04
Best Sound Mixing – “King Kong.”

10:11
So they’re giving an Honorary Oscar to Robert Altman now.

10:20
Jon Stewart: Our next presenter is professional musician. You don’t know him. Your kids are upstairs right now illegally downloading music. Go ask them to explain who he is.

10:21
Hahaha. “It’s Hard Out Here For A Pimp” is being performed. I wish they would just scan the entire audience during the performance.

10:25
Best Original Song – Hahahaha “It’s Hard Out Here For A Pimp” from “Hustle and Flow.”

10:26
Ok that’s one point for thanking Jesus.

10:30
Best Sound Editing – “King Kong.”

10:33
Ok now here is the montage I’m ok with. In Memoriam.

10:40
Best Foreign Language Film - “Tsotsi” (South Africa)

10:43
Jon Stewart: For those of you keeping score at home, Martin Scorsese, zero.
Three 6 Mafia, one.

10:44
Someone just won for Film Editing. I missed it. Oops. I’m getting tired, can you tell?

10:49
Best Actor – Philip Seymour Hoffman for “Capote.” Duh. Awe. You know what, good for him.

10:58
Cinematography – “Memoirs of a Geisha.”

11:00
Isn’t Dame Judi Dench nominated every year? It sure seems like it.

11:02
Best Actress – Reese Witherspoon for “Walk The Line.” Yay.
Oh and I love Joaquin Phoenix. I just wanted to say that.

11:10
Oh my god it never ends!!!!!

11:12
Best Adapted Screenplay – “Brokeback Mountain.”

11:15
Best Original Screenplay – “Crash.”

11:21
Directing – Ang Lee for “Brokeback Mountain.”

11:25
Best Picture – “Crash.”
WHAT!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!
You know, right after Jack Nicholson said that, I swear the look on his face made it seem like he was going to say “just kidding.”

So it’s done. If you read this entire entry, all I have to say is, wow and do you have a life?
“But Anna, you’re the one who did a liveblog for a 3 1/2 hour awards show. So I think you’re the one who doesn’t have a life.”

Yes, I know. I’ve made peace with that.